Amos Lee

February 8, 2011

It became very apparent to me today while I was watching this week’s Grey’s for the third time (slumped down on the couch so much so that my neck is permanently injured from the contortion)...apparent that I am not dealing with this break up well. Let’s backtrack. September 17 was quite the day for me. It was that day I became a reflection in the rear view mirror for the one person in this world that I am absolutely crazy about. I love him with ferocity, and have not figured out the right way to move forward. It has been roughly four and a half months, and I am nowhere near not missing him every minute. I read somewhere that you should allow half of the time you were together to really get over the grief that sometimes results post relationship. If that is the case, I will need about five more months. Fantastic news. In the meantime, rest assured that I am trying absolutely all of the wrong things. If it is advice, I’ve heard it. If it has been suggested, I’ve tried it. I’ve passed the time with all the wrong people, binge eaten ice cream consistently, taken long hot showers more often than I should (sorry mother earth, I’m working on it), avoided reading the new Nicholas Sparks book, worked out twice a day and cut my caloric intake to about 500 a day for the so called revenge diet, (that last about a month) and have forced myself to go out more often and hang out with new friends – and that just scratches the surface. Everything seemed to come to a head today while spending time with a man friend.

He kept asking me what was wrong – over and over – at which point I puffed up like a fool and started crying so much that my face turned the most attractive shades of red. Phrases like “I just miss him, I can’t breathe without him, I can’t get this brick off my chest, and I can’t believe I lost him” started barreling out. Ladies, boys love it when you talk to them about your exes, believe me. This specific gentleman is a gem (for the most part) and let me soak his grey shirt with snot and tears and held onto me tight. He instructed me that I shouldn’t be dating et al. anyone. At all. Until I’m okay. I imagine that he is right, but this insight happens to conflict with the advice of many of my girlfriends…”the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” This doesn’t have to mean sex of course to anyone reading this…I choose to think it means anything man related in general. These two conflicting ideas have left me in a fair amount of confusion. Why is it that the girls in my life suggest that finding a new man is the best way – and the boys say slow down and focus on me for a while? Could this mean that they, for once, are onto something? And by they I mean men. Because they are the they and we are the we…we being the more logical of the wes and theys. Most times. In this case, I’m not sure which route to go.

Today I feel like throwing in the towel and pulling a Clueless. Ordering myself flowers and shopping for no one but myself and maybe volunteering to remember that I am not the only person in the world. I need to strap my boots back on and check back into life, but I’m at the bottom of the ocean right now and blue. Amos Lee says when you get right down to the bottom of the barrel, you’ll flow back on top. Let’s hope you’re right Amos, because I’m not sure if I like this fragment of myself bit. I’m over it. Who would’ve thought my whole heart would be living in freaking Omaha, NE? My fancy spaceship phone tells me it is -1 degree there right now. Yet another reason I want my heart back. Maybe I will take a vacation. Carnival has cruises out of Baltimore now. Solution.